So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize