bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He felt like a one man threesome
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
