I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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