I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
