apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
