I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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