we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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