The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
