a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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