Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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