I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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