I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
