I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
