My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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