tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
