How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
this beer tastes like vomit already
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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