Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
