i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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