You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
