Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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