Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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