i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
