the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
as a side note pls kill me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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