haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
