I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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