u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
