dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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