there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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