Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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