I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
