All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
