I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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