she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize