I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
