a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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