Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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