I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
