I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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