I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
