Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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