I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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