it wasn't lemon gatorade
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
