My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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