I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
