I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
