When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
