when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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