Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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