stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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