He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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