I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
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Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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