True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
