just come out here and I will go home with you...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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