guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
