i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
