the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
