Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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