I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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